March 27, 2003 - 9:34 a.m.
I think the thing that annoys me most about being at work is that, more often that not, I could be using my time better elsewhere. Like at home.
When looking for places to move into, I asked that we look for a two bedroom so I could have a room that was all mine to mess up how I felt best. When Wampa and I moved into our current apartment, we did so with the plan of using the spare room as a studio. For me, my space, mine, mine, mine!
I missed working on my art, I didn't like messing up the kitchen and dining room with all my crafts. I wanted a place I could leave out a project for as long as I felt like leaving it out. A space just for me.
During my last big project, I lived in my studio. After work, on the weekends, entire days would go by and I'd never notice. I was working on things, I had things to do. When I'm in that state, I am entirely dedicated. Regular human needs (food, bathroom, fresh air) fall by the way side. Tearing myself away from The Project, even for five minutes to run to the bathroom, is like a kind of death. A little death of what could have been if only I had a catheter. If only I didn't need to eat or sleep or earn income, I could just work until everything was done. Its a physical pain, to tear away, knowing you have other things making demands on your time.
Especially when I know I'll only be sitting at my desk, waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to hand me something to type or mail or post. When I know there are so many other things I could be doing that would be a more effecient use of my time, that's when it gets really difficult. That's when the hours between 8:00 and 5:30 just drag on. Like in a movie when you see the hero, stranded on an empty stretch of desert highway, and he looks to the horizon and it keeps folding out away from him. The distance becoming larger and larger.
That's how my days feel most often, lately. Like I'm never going to reach that horizon, no matter how far I walk, or how fast I run. It'll always still be there in front of me, right beyond my grasp.
previous - next
