March 24, 2003 - 2:44 p.m.
After watching so many people be drowned out by The Band, this is what I
plan to do when I win an Oscar.
Once my nomination has been announced, I will immediately start planning my
party. Everyone I would wish to thank will be invited to my party which will
be held a week before the Oscars. I will write a lovely speech thanking
everyone at the party for everything they've done to make me the fabulous
star that I am. I will not only deliver that speech the night of my party
but also give everyone a framed copy of an excerpt of my speech specifically
thanking them.
Then after my name is read by the startlingly sexy Christopher Walken, I
will look deep into the camera lens and say; "This is for the people at the
party." and exit stage right.
The press will be in an absolute tizzy discussing my cryptic acceptance
speech and my stunning fashion choices, and then the New York Times will ask
me to write a column all about my life, and someone will gasp at my horrible
work and be snarky about it. It'll complete the Circle of Life and we'll
draw with lipstick on Whiskers' face.
previous - next
